If there is one thing that we British are hopeless at it's 'complaining'.

We will quite happily sit through a fairly third class meal in a restaurant and when asked "Is everything OK?" reply "Yes, fine!" with a big smile, followed by a few seconds of embarrassed silence while the waiter walks away out of earshot, then…in a hushed voice whisper "blimey, this steak is tough…expect better in a place like this".

We've all witnessed it, perhaps all done it at some point.

I think it's a British trait. We don't like confrontation, we don't like making waves (although we used to like ruling them) so instead of addressing a problem head on we'd rather respond with our feet and simply not go back, or not buy that product again then moan about it incessantly in the pub or over the garden fence.

But if we buy a product or service that is subsequently sub-standard and then do nothing about it – it is WE who are to blame for allowing it to happen and NOT the service provider or manufacturer.

If no-one complains, then everything's OK, isn't it?

Now we all know that there are people who are professional complainers, irritating moaners and complete pains in the butts (as anyone who has worked in Retail will tell you) but if you are not 100% satisfied with a product or service then you have every right to complain. In fact it's irresponsible not to.

So, how do we go about complaining about a product or service?

RULE 1. POSITION YOURSELF CORRECTLY

The first thing to remember when complaining is that you are talking to another person and how THEY react may well be determined by that way YOU behave.

Whatever the problem is, it's almost certainly not the fault of the person you are talking to even though it may be their job to resolve your issue. They may have had a dozen complaints that day and they're only human and you could be the first considerate complaint they've had all day.

So - shouting, rudeness and insults will rarely get you anywhere yet, on the other hand, being too introverted and apologetic may have the same negative affect.

Be firm, be 100% clear what the problem is, but at the same time be polite and friendly. Make the person you are complaining to WANT to help you.

RULE 2. KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT

Before you enter into battle (conversation, negotiations, up and downers…) it's absolutely essential that you know exactly what you want out of this escapade.

Usually, this means a part or full refund of your outlay or a replacement product.

It may mean a full refund AND an apology if the problem concerned has made you particularly grumpy (apologies go a long way in placating grumpiness!) It may mean all of the above plus compensation.

Normally, the refund or a replacement product is sufficient and all you should expect and anything further should be as a result of poor service.

Unfortunately poor Customer Service is rife in the UK and should never be tolerated and is one of my Achilles Heels (a poor product is bad enough but if the company concerned doesn't seem to care then they deserve everything you can throw at them!)

RULE 3. KNOW WHO TO COMPLAIN TO

Getting a satisfactory response is always far more successful when you have made the complaint, whether by letter or email, to someone who will pay attention.

This usually means the Customer Service department of the company who is responsible and this may not be who you think it is (i.e. the shop and not the manufacturer).

If you need to complain to a small shop or restaurant, then find out the name of the Manager and write or email to him or her. If it's a larger chain of shops or restaurants, go online and find out who you can complain to. They could well have an online Customer Services department, or there could be a Holding Company. But go to the top.

If you have purchased a product that is faulty – remember that it's the retailer who is responsible, not the manufacturer, so don't let the shop fob you off (unless it's an old purchase and rules do vary).

Also – if you have taken a Finance Package to purchase something – the ultimate responsibility now lies with the Finance Company, not the retailer, so if you have no joy with the shop you know who to pass the problem to (and under certain circumstances you can then withhold payments – but read your T&Cs first).

RULE 4. HOW DO I CONTACT THEM?

Stage 1. If you have a problem with a shop or restaurant, your first attempt should always be face to face, in person, verbally – and most issues can be solved in minutes.

However, if that doesn't work then you have to take in to Stage 2.

That means approaching the company concerned officially, in writing, always in writing (whether by post or email).

Write them a letter (or email) as this:

1: Explain that you wish to make a complaint – stating who you are.

2: Explain the problem – when, where, how etc.

3: Explain what you wish to happen and by when (give them a time limit).

4: Be nice, but firm and don't offer any unnecessary information.

Now that should settle most complaints, however if not, it's on to Stage 3.

If you get to the point where the Customer Service department are being irritatingly obstructive then you need to escalate the problem.

1: Write another letter (or email) containing all the same information, explaining that this is the 2nd letter and that you are extremely annoyed at the lack or attention, but COPY (cc) it to these people.

* The Managing Director of the company (to his or her home address* not to the office, it will disappear straight into an assistant's pending tray - or bin)

* The Head of the Customer Services – by name

* Trading Standards

* The Consumer section of a National Newspaper

* A TV Consumer programme

* The relevant industry overseeing body (i.e. ABTA, CORGI, FSA etc.)

* A friendly Solicitor

2: Await the response. It will be very quick and it will be very loud.

As long as you were in the right to begin with, the above advice will resolve 99.9% of all complaints – but if you still have a problem and have encountered an extremely obdurate person or company who refuse to budge then you need to take legal action (but very few companies would ever ignore Stage 3).

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

* To obtain the home addresses of an MD of a Limited company – for a small fee you can go into the website of Companies House and obtain the submitted accounts, list of all Directors, their home addresses and also (very helpful this) a list of any other directorships that they hold, all within the Public Domain.

MY VICTOR MELDREWISMS - 2008